Every Friday, I have a (short) paper due in one of my classes. It requires that I read some very dense material that isn’t particularly riveting, digest it, and spew it back out in some cogent, pithy fashion.

Every Thursday, around noon, I think, “This week is going to be different. I am going to start this paper soon.”

And every Thursday at around this time (11:45 pm), I start to think, “Wow, I am pathetic.” Because – no kidding – I start this paper, every week, at MIDNIGHT the night before it is due. Which makes for a very painful, not-cogent paper that I suffer through, word by word, trying desperately to make sense.

In my defense, this week I had another paper due (also for tomorrow) that took approximately 18x longer than I anticipated to complete. So I ate dinner at 10:00, pet the dog, talked to DB, and am now contemplating writing the weekly digest version of Boring Readings. I anticipate that I’ll start this at…midnight. And I haven’t actually finished the painfully long paper, either.

I’m in for a long night.

However, I see that I have lots of visitors who actually check to see if I’ve updated this, so I figured I’d give you something to read. Plus I get to pretend that I can write cogently (that is the word of the day) in at least one arena. The other one, not so much. Agonizing.

I still haven’t figured out what next to write. I had a chat with a friend today about the abortion topic and realized that my argument isn’t quite as finessed as I’d like it to be, so I’m going to process that a little bit more. Babies I can talk about. Guns, I can talk about. In the meantime, while I kill 8 minutes before I need to return to Painful Paper, here are the answers to the questions I most frequently get about your favorite government agency and mine:

  1. Yes, we have a gun in our house, when DB is home (otherwise he has it on him). Yes, it’s a handgun. It’s a Glock something or other. It has bullets.
  2. The bullets are hollow-tipped, which means they don’t leave the body cavity that they enter. That is a good thing on a plane…just process that for a minute.
  3. Yes, DB (and all federal agents, and state law enforcement if they’re escorting someone like a violent criminal) flies armed, as in armed with a loaded firearm. They are backup air marshals.
  4. Air Marshals are a very unique and diverse crowd of people. You’ll never guess who they are on any given plane.
  5. I know this because sometimes, in a rare second perk of this role, I get to board the plane early with DB and they all have to have a powow so they know who legitimately has a gun on the plane.
  6. Of course we lock up the gun! We’re concerned that the dog will figure out how to shoot it. Actually, it’s locked up because it’s the law and, as noted below, DB is a Rule Follower. And it’s a gun. He/we are not stupid. We have a safe, a trigger lock, and a locked case (although it’s impossible, and unnecessary, to use them all simultaneously).
  7. Yes, we really have conversations like the one below. Daily.
  8. No, I’ve never seen DB’s office. They have mice there. I don’t know if I want to.
  9. Actually, that’s a lie. I have wanted to since Day 1 since I’m not allowed to be in there, but in all honesty, it is probably not exciting. It’s only because it’s forbidden.
  10. I am as liberal as they come, but the Patriot Act isn’t the evil piece of legislation that most people believe it to be. The major flaw of the legislation is that no one did a very good job articulating why we need it.
  11. Yes, my dog is as big as I am, although I do outweigh him by about 10 lbs. He’s awesome.
  12. DB has a car for work, but he can only drive back and forth to work in it and only employees of the federal government are allowed to ride in it. Which means that I’ve actually contemplated a career with the federal government for the sole purpose of riding in the d@mn car. Another forbidden fruit. The closest I’ve come to being in the car is sticking my head through its open window as DB stopped in the middle of the street to say hi to me (our quiet street). Once, actually, I was walking home from the [public transit stop] in the *rain* and DB was driving home…and passed me. Not the best moment of our short marriage. (Did I mention DB is a Rule Follower?) We can thank the U.S. Congress for this piece of legislation that forbids all personal use of the vehicle. I agree with this in principle, but seriously…more on the car later.
  13. No, we do not make very much money as an employee of the FBI (and here’s an article to pause for thought…although I have a lot to say about this article, to be saved for a time when I don’t have a paper due), but there are perks in other ways. We’ll have health insurance until we’re dead, for instance. Given the state of the economy, I think that’s something to be thankful for.

Thanks for checking in! I’ll think of some other things soon, but for now…back to the midnight paper!

Advertisements