Unfortunately, that hack that I developed turned out to be the flu that I thought I prevented by getting a flu shot. It sucks to be at the mercy of Aventis or whoever makes the flu vaccines these days (when I was in finance, it was Aventis). They missed the boat on this one. At any rate, I have a crappy immune system with crappy lungs, and my crappy lungs are screaming “air! air! air!” while I gasp and gag. I am a grotesque specimen of a human being.

So I’m on the couch with the dog and the cat, hacking up a lung, and thinking about how DB is leaving in T-minus 7 days.

I have to hand it to the FBI for this one, though. I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, and I hope I do it justice. So DB decided – electively – to leave this country, and me, for a nation that is having significant issues these days. He’ll be gone for 90 days. Which is an awfully long time. When he decided to apply for this *honor*, he asked me if it would be okay, stating that there was “no chance” that he’d be picked.

Apparently (unbeknownst to him at the time), that was a lie.

But as I was saying, I have to hand it to them for this. Remember how I said that I have received no communication from the FBI, ever? That their support to me, as a wife, was somewhat lacking? Well, a few days after I wrote that, DB came home with a manual written to support me (his family of one) during his absence with some information about what he’d be doing. This manual was a good start, and it was hugely appreciated. However, it is also a source of hilariousness that even DB can admit is (a little) funny.

First, it is written, as apparently all government documents are, in Courier New (CN). I am not sophisticated enough to change the font in this post to CN, but we all know CN because it is the font we may have had to use in middle school to make it to an Unreachable Page Limit (UPL). Yeah, that font. And it is not because the FBI only has typewriters; their PCs, as archaic as they are, are fully capable of writing in Times New Roman (TNR). It is only because they Do Not Like Change (DNLC).

Second, the guy who wrote the memo clearly has Little Man Syndrome (LMS). Here is an actual sentence written by him: “Contrary to what your grade school teachers may have told you, there are stupid questions.” This is followed up with a warning not to broach him with any of these stupid questions, which he further refers to as the “stupid question policy”. I can’t describe any further sentences because otherwise I will need to password-protect this with a password OTHER than the last password, which I don’t want to do, but you get the idea.

Third, and this is perhaps the funniest aspect of this entire document, every fourth sentence has a Statement Like This (SLT), where there is a seemingly arbitrary phrase (and no, it is not necessarily a proper noun) followed by an acronym. This would ostensibly be for ease of future writing, so the next time I needed to write about an SLT written in CN I could just write that, but no – this guy writes it all out. Every time. Or he’ll abbreviate Said Arbitrary Phrase (SAP), like that, and never again return to it, which really brings into question why it is that he felt it necessary to abbreviate in the first place.

However, the effort was much appreciated, and it was exciting to read a document in CN labelled For Official Use Only (FOUO). It made me feel O (you get to figure out what that is) and I (everyone gets to guess what that stands for – comment now!). And let’s be honest: it is nice to know where DB will be, what he’ll be doing, and where he will shower every day (making me ever so grateful for our bathroom here, no matter how cramped it might be).

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