OK, so the other day, Christine (San Fran Christine) wrote a comment that said something like, “Is it bad that all of my knowledge about the FBI comes from Miss Congeniality?” (paraphrasing here.) No, it’s not bad, but it’s funny.

DB and I spend a lot of time making fun of movies that have to do with the FBI. Actually, I’ll be honest: he typically ruins them, especially if they make even a a weak attempt to be authentic, with his mocking of their ridiculousness (the WORST is watching 24, which I realize isn’t a movie, but go with me here. Every time Jack Bauer shoots up a town or whatever, DB scoffs and says, “Why doesn’t he ever do any paperwork?!?” and tells me that in the Real World, if DB fired just one bullet from his gun, there would be an immediate investigation and he would have to turn in his firearm. Which I know, from the 800 times he’s told me this. Suffice it to say that we do not watch shows like 24 anymore). So I wrote this whole post the other day about movies and the FBI, but tonight (with half an ear as I study), I’m watching True Lies with Arnie and Jamie Lee Curtis. Although it is completely ridiculous in the way it portrays international espionage and law enforcement and whatever, it still has entertainment value, right?

So as an aside, when people ask me what it’s like to be married to someone in the FBI, I typically refer them to the movie Breach. Breach does a great job of actually depicting the crappy, limited, frustrating conversations one might have with one’s spouse if one’s spouse is in the FBI, which I might argue is the worst part of being married to someone who cannot talk about a single aspect of their job (if they are a Rule Follower and have a Top Secret clearance, which would be my husband). He spends 10+ hours a day, 5+ days a week, doing things that I know nothing about, will never know anything about, and, according to movies (and, actually, the news), should be totally fascinated by. In fact, we cracked up watching the movie in the theatre because we’ve actually had their conversations. Verbatim. It was simultaneously creepy (that we could be watching our conversations in a movie) and validating (other people have those conversations, too! Even the one about the kindergarten teacher and the “perfect FBI wife”!).

Although Breach shows unrealistic things like Eric O’Neill bringing evidence home (which would never ever happen in the real world) and his wife watching it on their personal TV (also would never happen) and an agent firing his weapon into the woods in a menacing gesture to another agent (also, never happens), it is generally a good movie. According to DB, FBI headquarters looks exactly like the set they used in the movie.

But back to True Lies. I will say, first, that DB’s job is absolutely nothing like Arnie’s – he is not undercover, obviously, since I obviously know what he does (I mean, this blog would be a total snore if he was an insurance salesman, right?) . However, there is one scene that totally reminds me of DB and I, and it is a conversation that I could totally imagine us having if we were in a similar situation (ie, DB was undercover and we got kidnapped by rogue terrorists trying to launch an attack). I just took these notes as they ran through the script (thank you, DVR):

(Scene: JLC doesn’t realize that her hubbie, Arnie, is a spy. They get kidnapped by rogue terrorists and loaded onto a plane. Arnie is trying to get the Rogue Terrorists to release his wife.)

Arnold, aka Harry Tasker and other pseudonyms: “She’s just some wacko hooker that I met down at the bar”

Jamie Lee Curtis, aka Helen Tasker: “Harry, what. is. the. matter. with. you? Tell her the TRUTH! We are married and we have a daughter.”

Arnie: “I don’t know what the crazy b*tch is on, but you should cut her loose so we can get down to business.”

JL: “Oh yeah? Where did I get this from? Where did I get this? ” (showing her locket of a picture of him and her to the evil rogue terrorist lady)

Ok, not proud of it. But that would so be me. In fact, that pretty much sums up the personality differences between DB and I. Yeppers. (I mean, he wouldn’t be so crude, but let’s just say there is a difference between being swiftly subtle and…not.)

Can I just say, though, that if DB and I were kidnapped to a remote island and he was asked to identify a nuclear weapon and he did it accurately like Arnie does, that I would be completely and totally flabbergasted?!? My impression of DB’s job IRL is that he spends an awful lot of time doing paperwork and driving around town.

Although it is inappropriate here, I’m going to insert my favorite line from the movie here, where he gives smarta$$ answers to identify the nuclear weapon:

“This is…an espresso machine.
A snow-cone maker.
A water heater?”

I love the snow cone maker. Ha!

The second movie we really like about the FBI is…drum roll…

White Chicks.

Oh, yeah. I’ll explain that one later.

PS – I will edit my post and my thoughts on the Vietnam adoption issues tomorrow. I have so many thoughts and so many opinions and yesterday was a day of complete highs and complete lows. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about the situation of adopting from Vietnam, in so, so, so many ways. And then I got wonderful news about an amazing opportunity to work with some phenomenal people for a project that will truly benefit a population in need, and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to be a part of it, so I was on cloud 9. So many dichotomous feelings = dizziness = inability to articulate much beyond what was linked in those reports from the Embassy.

PPS – True Lies is the dumbest.movie.ever. I forgot about the part where they blow up a bridge and he decides to fly a plane. Come on!

PPPS – I’m also dogsitting a new dog, Faithy. She’s the strangest dog! She keeps getting lost in our tiny place – I wander around saying “Faith…” and realize that I just tripped on her. Anyway, she’s certainly one more thing to keep life interesting around here.

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