This is very random, but I find this funny.

My mom is coming up to visit tonight and we’re going to a wedding tomorrow (daughter of an old family friend. I haven’t seen her in about…15? years? and she’s about my younger brother’s age, so it will be interesting!). Anyway, so I have some dresses that I could wear, but then this dress went on sale and I have a thing for silk taffeta (I LOVE this fabric – it hides every almost every lumpy body attribute) tea-length a-line dresses (I make that sound like I have a lot of those. In actuality, I only have one, and I ended up getting the zipper caught in some fabric so it is out of commission at the moment…actually, it’s probably out of commission permanently) and I really loved it AND I had a gift card AND a coupon to make it even cheaper, so…I bought it. Here’s the cute picture from the store:

Cute, right? (At least I thought so.)

So I got it last week and was too busy to try it on, plus once I saw it I decided that maybe it was too formal anyway. It has little buttons on the back, which adds to its cuteness, but also amps its formality. Anyway, I waited until today to try it on. Man, is it a complicated piece of apparel. It has little (functional!) buttons, as previously noted, as well as a back zipper, but that’s not all. The top half of the dress folds down inside, and it’s held together by a fake boob strap at the bottom (par for the course) as well as a series of little hook-and-eye closures all the way up from the boob-strap to the top of the zipper (on the inside of the dress).

For the life of me, I do not know how a single/helpful roommateless person would be able to pull this sucker off. However, I am always in pursuit of empathy, and I’m single myself these days, so it’s more than empathy, so I started at it. Surely it is possible, right?

The zipper gets caught on all of the button holes, so that was a pain (more than you would think). I finally get the zipper down, pull the dress up, and swing it around so that the whole hook-and-eye contraption was at my bellybutton. I started at the bottom, hooked, hooked, hooked my way up, flipped it up, twisted it around, and pulled it over my boobs. Easy. Then I pulled up the zipper, which, in my 20/20 hindsight, I realize was my fatal mistake. The zipper went up smoothly, and voila! – while the buttons will never be finished, they really are just there for show (although someone would have to close them if I were going out like this), so the dress is secure.

And the boob part is too big. After ALL OF THAT. (Those of you that know me realize that this happens once every…never. My boobs are NEVER too small. I am cursed with massive boobs. I am not saying this as something to brag about. They totally suck. Just once, I’d like to walk into a department store or Victoria*s Secret and buy a darn bra off the shelf. So the fact that this dress, after all of this work, is too big in the boobs is beyond me.)

Upon realizing that the boob part isn’t gonna work, I decided to shed the dress.

Except: wait. Remember how I mentioned that that zipper got stuck on all of the little button holes? (Shouldn’t that have set off alarm bells in my head?) Yeah…

Stuck in the dress now. Seriously. The zipper won’t go down, the dress won’t slide around, and despite the boobage hugeness, the waist fits juuuuuuust fine, so no sidling out the bottom for me.

So now I’m in my slipper flip flops…

(they are so awesome that they also got a shoutout)

…cleaning for my mom, and stuck in my cute black dress (that my boobs are falling out of, not in the way that busty women normally are, but in the way that they MIGHT pull a Janet Jackson slipout maneuver if I’m not careful.)

I thought I’d take a picture so you all can see and share in my stuckedness:

(Me showing my slipper to the computer camera)

(Me trying to show the slipper in a suave way and almost falling over)

OK…I guess I need to go figure out a game plan now. Do I wait until my neighbor comes home at 6, for my mom to come to the airport at 10:30 pm, or try to wiggle my way out of it now? (If ONLY it didn’t fit so snugly on my waist…or if ONLY I had lots of friends who didn’t work…or…)

UPDATE:  I’m unstuck.  I called my neighbor, Jen (no kidding…seriously, EVERYONE I KNOW is named Jen!) who is home with a new baby.  Thankfully she wasn’t napping or feeding and thankfully she was willing to free me.  Thanks, Jen!

Back to cleaning! 🙂

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