While I am on this mission to be all honest on this blog (and really, the only person who benefits from that is me, so I am not sure why I am so committed to honesty), let’s take it for a spin.

I am green with envy.

Everyone – and seriously, people, I mean everyone – that I know is pregnant right now (or just gave birth like, last week).  We have stacks of baby gifts in our closet and we just kind of throw them out like we’re at a parade throwing favors.  EV-ERY-ONE.  Which makes a girl who wants to be pregnant, or adopting, or anything that would result in a small child residing in our closet*, feel pretty awful.

The latest addition to the pregnancy files is my downstairs neighbors (yes, those neighbors).  Before that, my cousin; before that, like every single dog owner we know, before that, another cousin, before that, any other dog owners…you get the picture.  All of our friends at church have multiple small children.  We are having to find younger and younger friends so that we can feel normal.  OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but…

I actually was being okay with it until we FINALLY made a decision about whether to TTC or find an adoption program we felt comfortable with, when we found out – the same day!!! – that some new medical issues erupted that would both prevent us from conceiving AND from succeeding at a home study.  Last week, however, we found out that I am healthy.  I’m cleared!  Bring on the fellow social workers!  Bring on the prenatal pills!  We are ready to roll!

Except that, you know, there is the whole waiting thing.  And the whole not-snapping-fingers-and-having-child-appear thing.  Oh, and money!  Yes, money thing.

So I am having a tough time.  I think part of it, too, is that we have been waiting SO LONG.  Like this month marks the 1-year point where we decided to adopt from Vietnam, starting doing a lot of research on the ethical situation in the program, and balked (thank GOD we did).  And waited to see where it was going.  I know a lot of families have been waiting a lot longer than that – with a lot more cash outlay – but I am just saying where we’ve been.  We are risking a lot to have a biological child, but if it means that we can be sure we know that child was meant to be with us – there is no question.

Anyway, so my point was not to wax about the ethics of kids.  My point was that I am going to start making a list:

Things I am so happy to be able to do in the absence of kids

(to be clear:  these are things I would gladly throw away if someone offered us a child today – but this is me being positive here.)

1a.  SLEEP!  I LOVE SLEEP!  I don’t know why I forgot this one initially – but I am giving it its own number ahead of #1!

1.  Watch a whole TV program uninterrupted

2.  Shower/pee in privacy

3.  Go out to see a movie/get dinner spontaneously

4.  Eat crap.  (Yes, people, sometimes we – gasp – eat cookie dough for dinner.  Still.  Or we’ll eat pasta 5 days in a row.  I know that is gross, but hey – it’s very very cheap.)

5.  Be minorly inconvenienced when the electricity goes out like it did last week, versus being majorly freaked out with a screaming child.

OK, I’m out.  Anyone?  Most of you are either pregnant or have multiple children and I will admit:  I am a teeny tiny hugely bit jealous.

OK, honesty time is over, now that you know I am bigoted about Republicans and jealous of people who have kids!

*Our closet is a very large room converted to a closet, painted a nursery color, which can be converted back to a half-nursery half-closet.  We have a guest room, but it’s way more convenient to have our kid live in our closet.  I think it sounds funnier if we talk about the closet.