I am pretty sure I’ve used that title before.  I am also pretty sure it won’t be the last time I use it.

This is BAD, y’all.  This procrastination.  It is really, really bad right now.

I woke up this morning intent on studying.  See, I missed my physics final (yes, undergraduate physics.  No, I didn’t take it the first time around.  I had a far more varied palate of classes back then) due to intratable vomiting.  It was also on Inauguration Day, but really – I was vomiting.  Intractably.  And so I missed it.

And it just so happens that when you miss a final at this school, they have Very Strict Guidelines about how to make it up – and my makeup final is on Saturday.

You would think I would have studied by this point for a final on Saturday, right?

You know, I would think I would have studied at this point, too.

The truth is, I sat with the papers in front of me…and I stared at the computer.

I emailed people.  (Some of you received those emails.)

I would say those emails were even FUNNY at points, and one was so funny that I might actually post it.

Cause I am a funny person, sometimes.

But honestly?  I did not study.

And believe me when I say it is not because I am good at physics, because trust me – I suck at physics.

Like I redefine sucking.

(OK, not that bad, but…)

What is my problem?

Part of me thinks it is a question of motivation.  I am a little preoccupied, you know.  I eat every hour or so (today’s total?  It’s kind of funny, actually – 1.5 bagels, a lot of cream cheese and some peanut butter, a lot of grapes, two kiwis, and a bowl of pasta, and I have not had dinner yet) (and yes, HALLELUJAH!  It has all stayed down!!!  There was one close call but HEE HEE!  It’s all in me!) (The close call was with showering…damn shower).  And many, many, many of those emails were about whether gecko baby will be a girl or a boy, and obviously, THAT is Very Important to discuss at 9 weeks.

Obviously.

It might be a question of ambivalence.  See, if I fail this exam, I will not be able to apply to med school.  This decision will be made for me, by me, but in a totally passive way.

Not that I do not want to attend med school, but I am just…not so sure.  I have this baby growing inside me, and s/he is making me think.  A lot.

Except that how strange is it that this is happening, given that this was the PLAN?  The PLAN was to apply to med school with a CHILD.  Because there is child care on site at this particular med school, and it will take me approximately five years to complete from the time of gecko child’s birth, which, in my honest opinion, is pretty much perfect.

(Then there is residency, which gives me a stomach ache to think about, so let’s not go there.  I mean, I am going there in my head right now, and it will be a moot point if I do not do well in physics.)

So I called (in my total procrastination) a nursing school today.  Because (oh, yes, there is a because) a) I like nurses, a lot, and b) you do not need to take physics to go to nursing school.  Which is really making me happy now.

The guy was kind of a jerk (can I say that? He really really was) and made me not want to attend his nursing school.

Which is probably a good thing, because I was —-><—– that close to not taking this final!  And although I have gotten some really crappy grades before, I have never actually failed a class.

THAT would be TRAGIC.

No, I think the main problem here is that I am just battling Evil.  Satan, if you will.  (Please go with me here.)  Seriously.  I do not think God wants me to be sitting on my butt thinking about whether the ancient Chinese gender prediction chart is really accurate, and I do not think God wants me to be thinking about whether I should be going to med school in two years (although that guy?  That Christian parenting guy?  He would like me to think that God does not want me to go to med school…).  Perhaps that is true – God really has an opinion about this – but frankly, I do not believe God has an opinion about this, similar to the way I decided that God really did not have an opinion about whether I went to one graduate school or another for my Ph.D., or whether I eat grapes or chocolate cake for dinner.

At least, my God does not really care that much about these things.

My God cares about whether I believe in Him.  Whether I am a good witness to His gospel. Whether I glorify Him in the things that I do, in the things that I say, in the ways I interact with people on the street and with my husband and with my dog and my cat.  In the ways that I care for my body, now that there is a raspberry-sized life inside.  I mean, I fail…a LOT.  But I try.  And I think that’s what Jesus cares about.

I know this is really foreign to a lot of you.  It is my prayer that this does not sound nearly as insane to you as it might have sounded to me many years ago, and you are WELCOME to email me if you would like to talk about this.  (Although I might take until Saturday afternoon to write you back.)

I read on someone’s facebook list of 25 things (I LOVE those things, by the way – if those were physics I would be getting 100%)(but you should really click on that link, because it is a really funny article from Time) a statement that really made me think.  She wrote (and I am not going to list who it is), “Jesus did not die on the cross so that I could procrastinate my life away.” (Or something to that effect.  I am doing a good job and not actually GOING BACK TO FACEBOOK so I am going to have to paraphrase.)

Now, that is an interesting way of putting it.

Because do I really think Jesus died on the cross so that I could take physics?  I mean, yes and no.  Again, I do not think God really wants me to take physics, per se, but as I said, I think God wants me to glorify Him in the things that I do.

I am pretty sure I am not glorifying Him by procrastinating all day.

So here it is:  my little pledge to my teeny-tiny readership:  I am going to study from here until Saturday.  The only time I am going to look at my email is when I have finished a test.  (OMGoodness that is going to be REALLY REALLY HARD.)

You know what is playing in the background now?  Gabriel and the Vagabond.  If you have not heard it, it is a phenomenal song.

It always makes me think.

P.S.  You can still comment and, you know, make me super excited to read my email.  Cloth diapering anyone?  Ha!

You will be impressed to know that I held back SEVERAL parenthetical observations throughout to try to stay on topic for this post.  I know I failed a few times, but still.  That deserves a shout-out, no?

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