So I did the whole pee-in-a-cup thing, and convinced myself that, indeed, this is a UTI.  Which I’ve had before, many, many, many times.  Ok, not many MANY times, but enough to know that this is, indeed, a UTI*.

I was going to assume here that everyone reading has had the joy of a UTI, but then I realized this is maybe an unfair assumption, because DB’s grandma had her very first one a few years ago at the ripe old age of 89 (I am sure she would be so tickled to know that I just wrote that), so if you haven’t had one, here is a description for you:

Take some razor blades

Drink them

Then pee them out.

Ok, now we can move on.

So I pee in the cup, walk out, and say, politely, of course, “When should I hear back?”

The answer:  “You can call tomorrow around lunchtime.”

My follow-up:  “And they will have cultured the sample by that point?” – knowing FULL WELL IT IS GOING TO SIT ON A LEDGE UNTIL SOMEONE CAN GET TO IT FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.

Their response:  “Oh, no, the culture will take 3 days.  But you can know if you have an infection in 24 hours.”

(Which I don’t need them to tell me.  Check check, Ranger Dogs.  Thanks for the FYI.)

OK, now let me rant a little bit here.  Because I am peeing something like sharp little diamond shards, and I am knocked up, and I am frankly not thrilled.

About a year and a half ago, I got (another) UTI.  This one was actually a lot worse.  I was peeing straight blood, and I was a little freaked out by it (I mean, STRAIGHT BLOOD.  EW) and ended up – because I was going to have to wait for 24 hours to pee in a cup in a doctor’s office, and hel-lo, I am peeing blood, and also? I had a final the next day – in the ER.  Where they also cultured the pee-blood, or they tried to, and they couldn’t get a quick test on it (because it was STRAIGHT BLOOD – I asked why they even bothered, and they agreed with me), so they gave me a prescription for Cipro** and I went on my merry way.

Except it wasn’t all that rosy.  I took the Cipro, valiantly, expecting greatness in 24 hours.

Oh, no.  I was still peeing blood.

So I call the ER, to find out what the sensitivities of the pee-blood were.  You know, because the Cipro appeared to be a shitty solution for said problem. Response from one of the best ERs in the country:  We don’t have the report yet.

???  Seriously?!?!?

In the time that passed, I developed a kidney infection. By the time I was able to find out the sensitivities and take the appropriate medicine (the bug was one I contracted in Cambodia, and was therefore resistant to every oral medication available), I was one sick chiquita, and I had already created this super beast of a bacteria in my very necessary urinary tract (and beyond).

I learned my lesson:  never, ever, ever, ever EVER take medicine without a sensitivity report.

Especially on something that is so simple to test, like PEE.

So now we have this new situation:  I have yet another UTI (yippee), and not only do I not want to take medicine that will create a super-bug, I also do not want to take UNNECESSARY medicine because my resident alien baby is in his/her last week of organ development this week, and DAMN if I am going to take a bajillion antibiotics.

So I will suffer.

For apparently three days.

If I were not the daughter-in-law of a very obsessed microbiologist, I would actually not think this was a big deal.  I would grin and bear it.  I would say, “Well, we want to be VERY SURE about the sensitivities.  It takes THREE DAYS to grow a culture.”

Except, I am here to tell you:  no, no, no, it does not.

It takes 24 hours.

And the other two days are simply administrative days.

So I am in a really really REALLY bad mood.  Mostly because I am in pain, and I am going to be peeing every 30 seconds for the next three days, and also? because I may develop a kidney infection with my stellar immune system, in the three days that it will take them to get off their asses and culture my (gorgeous) pee, but ALSO! Because I have a LITTLE HUMAN! inside me, and I WILL BE DAMNED if this impending doom of a kidney infection threatens his/her existence!


And I refuse to take a drug unless it is tested first.


P.S.  This hospital is one of the top 20 in the country.  Yes, be impressed.  The rankings clearly come from something OTHER THAN PATIENT CARE.

*Unfortunately, I did not get this UTI the way your imagination is probably thinking.  Sorry to burst your bubble.  I know I am a little sad I wasted a UTI with nothing fun preceding it.

**I am allergic to sulfa drugs, which they usually give people for UTIs.  So Cipro is usually an adequate substitute.