I am really not supposed to be blogging right now, but usually if I blog, I am able to focus on what I am supposed to be doing shortly thereafter.  So here it goes.

My thoughts on God right now.

(If you are looking for articulate, holy thoughts on God during extreme pain and loss, I would forward you, immediately, to Angie Smith’s blog, Bring the Rain.  I have been reading Angie’s blog for months, prior to ever even becoming pregnant.  You will be blessed by reading her blog.  She is an incredible writer and an incredible believer and if I could write the way she writes about my own walk and faith, I would be, like, ecstatic.)

(I am saying that because you are probably going to be undewhelmed by what I am about to write.)

This is not very honorable, or admirable, but it is going to be honest.

I shared with you all our path to becoming pregnant.  I meant to password it on Wednesday, March 4th, but then I decided, once we learned our baby had died, that perhaps it would help you understand why this loss was just so painful for us.

I mean, if you read that far back, of course.

I am now going to share a little bit more.

I am embarrassed to say that when I hit the 12-week-pregnant mark, I began to get comfortable.  I posted things about baby names and such.  I even bought a maternity shirt (actually, 2) – because my stomach really could not accommodate anything I owned (starting at 10 weeks, but I resisted until 12).

Until that point, I held off getting too close to the baby (even though I was attached, despite my best efforts to keep my emotions in check) because I *knew* the risks.  I *knew* we had a risk of miscarrying.

But then, at 12 weeks, I settled in.

Because in my head, God and I had a deal.  (I told you I would not be impressive here.)  I mean, I wrote things about the possibility that the baby might not be okay – but in my head – my stupid, stupid, head, God and I – we had struck a deal.

I know, I know, who the hell am I to make a deal with God?

But we had a deal.  In my head, I had prayed and prayed – for two years! I had prayed – and I realize that two years is really not that long to God, but it is a long time to measly little me – “God, we really want to build our family.  Please please open the doors you want open, and close the doors you want to close”.

So when my hematocrit was high, I didn’t have multiple sclerosis or CNS lupus, we were facing a pay raise for DB in March, and everything – EVERYTHING – was falling into place, we decided God was opening a door.

And then, as I said in that post, we prayed for a baby if God wanted to grant us a biological child.

As I said in that post, we told God that we were open to HOWEVER it was that He wanted us to grow our family.  If God showed us a purple two-headed child, we would have adopted that child and advocated for that child and raised him/her to the very best of our weak, human abilities.

And, as I said in that post, God (miraculously) answered us.  We got pregnant.

And oh, my goodness, how we rejoiced.  Finally – a door open.  Finally – an answered prayer.

And, as I said in that post, I have no idea why God chooses to answer some prayers “yes”, some prayers, “no”, and some prayers, “later”.

I have no idea why He answered our prayer, “Here is a child, but s/he is only yours for 13 weeks.”

I have asked Him this every. single. day.  I do not understand.

See, I felt like we had a deal.  We were open to anything he wanted to throw at us.  In return, he should close some doors, or open others, or whatEVer – but to open a door, then slam it shut?  And take my blood along with it?

OUCH.

So I have really, really, really been struggling with God.  I know He knows what it is like to lose a child.  Obviously He knows.  I know He knows our pain.  I know He is crying with us.  I know He is all-powerful and He created mountains and He created the world (I mean this in an scientific way – sorry, but I do not believe He did it in 7 days…maybe He did it in the equivalent of 7 God-days, but anyway) – He is GOD.  He is, like, the AUTHOR and PERFECTOR and EVERYTHING of our world.  Our UNIVERSE.

But why, why, why, WHY did He have to answer our prayer in this way?!?

I don’t know.

And I told DB that I am really struggling with this.  I mean, my faith in God has sustained me through a lot.  God hasn’t always answered my prayers in the way I’d like Him to.  (I think, on a very cerebral level, that if God always answers our prayers and gives us everything we want, in exactly the way we want it, and our faith never wavers, it must not be a very real faith.)  I have struggled, and I’ve cried, but I’ve never come to *this* depth in my relationship with Him.  And in “depth”, I mean, “this much questioning and this much doubting”.

Anyway, so I said to DB, “I just don’t understand why [get ready to roll your eyes] God DIDN’T HOLD UP HIS END OF THE BARGAIN.”

If there is ever a more prideful, sinful question than that, I would like to hear it.  Please.

And thankfully, I have a husband who does not look at me in horror when I ask things like that.

He said, “Isn’t it great that God doesn’t say that to us?”

And I teared up.

I mean, think about it.

If God acted like me, He would probably have thrown His hands in the air and say to His people, “I give up!  I gave you my SON, and you start wars, and you commit sin…after sin…after sin.  You throw it back in my face!”

“I”m through with you!”

But He doesn’t.

I don’t know much, but I know that.

I know how weird this might sound to you if you are not a believer.  I did not grow up Christian – I grew up (for the most part) Jewish.  (If you’d like to hear me babble about that, you are welcome to email me.)  And I am one of the most pathetic speakers of “Christianese” that I know.  You know, that kind of language that flows freely about God’s grace, and His love, and His power. Other people are really good at it.  I can forward some links if you’d like to read them.

But what I do know – and this is not Christianese – is that God is present in our lives, and God is still speaking, and although I am LOST – totally LOST – and grasping at strings, and praying for peace, and praying for direction, and wondering, really, WHAT this really means – that God still cares.

And even though I probably hardly ever hold up *my* end of the bargain, God is bigger than any “bargain” I could have thought I made with Him.

I am not that great at explaining my faith to other people.  I know a lot of you reading this are probably either thinking that I am insane (which, probably I am), or that I am a crappy Christian (see previous parenthetical expression) or that I am hurting (I definitely am).  But this – here – is where I am, spiritually.

I am pretty sure that God is still out there, crying with us.  And I really pray that He is not totally horrified that I thought *we* had a deal.

And I know that he is being the very best Father our child could ever have, to a child we love so very, very, very much.

“Be still, and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10

P.S.  I do not know why I have two categories for this type of topic:  “God” and “Faith”.  What is the difference?

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